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My hometown is by the sea and seagulls are annoying, especially the giant ones. They’d rather eat trash than fish these days and they chase off smaller birds

They do have an elegance no pigeon comes close to. When I was teaching in a seaside suburb, a very pleasant, mature and organised girl - about 14 - came to school one morning in floods of tears. I was her class teacher, so she was my problem. It turned out that a low-flying seagull with a digestive upset had crapped lavishly all over her - mostly on her shoulder; and the stench was phenomenal. Teenagers really, really care about being smelly. The kids' toilets only had cold water, so I sent another kid to fetch a spare dress in her size from the Needlework classroom, undressed her, washed her with lots of soap and hot water, buttoned her up in the borrowed dress ... and still she cried! Someone had given me some very nice perfume for my recent birthday, so I took it out of my bag and dabbed generous amounts of it on my little victim. Her tears dried up then! And we never discussed it again. Her name was Adrienne; I'll never forget her.